– Okay, how does this sound? “Liza is a successful
entrepreneur who recently sold three important ideas to Google,
and splits her time between her house in Malibu,
and a horse ranch in Colorado.” – Is this that BDSM Cowboy
novel you’ve been
talking about writing? (Liza gasping) – Fifty Shades of Hay?
No. It’s my bio
for my high school reunion. – Not cool, Liza.
– Right? I can’t believe she didn’t
invite us to her place
in Malibu. – She doesn’t have a place
in Malibu, she made that up. – Jealousy is really
unattractive, Oliver. – Can we just get back
to Bark Paul’s taxes? This is a disaster. How do you
run a company
that’s this disorganized? – I’m a creative!
Just shove it all in an
envelope, they don’t care. – They do care! – Alright, what if
I just tone it down? Make it two ideas
I sold to Google? – What if you just told
– What? That I drop off people’s
dry cleaning for a living? You should see the reunion page
online, okay? People in my class are bankers
and lawyers already. Maybe I just won’t go.
– Look, I get it. You feel like you haven’t
with your life. Look at me. I’m doing
taxes for a dog that made
more money than me last year. Where’s the W-9
for that shampoo commercial? – They don’t care.
– They do care! – Liza, don’t you want to see
your old friends?
All the boys you dated? All the people who voted for you
for Homecoming Queen? – Okay, make that one idea for
Google, and no horse ranch. – All I’m saying is, is that
you are enough just as you are. You’ve made a really exciting
life for yourself out here in Los Angeles. Okay?
You’ve got two foxy roommates, and last week,
you picked up poop bags
for Ryan Gosling’s dog. Where is the W-9? – You’re right. I’m killing it.
(Oliver): Mm-hmm. – Forget it, I’m not going. – Okay, but I think
you’re making a mistake. Look, high school may not have
been the end-all be-all, but you’ve made something
and you should be proud. And you’re using Bark Paul’s
W-9 as a napkin. (Liza): Whoops. – Yeah, maybe the twenty-year. – Sorry. – They don’t care.
– They do care! (theme music) – Okay. Here’s her schedule. Watering, food, when you need to
move her from window to window. I know that’s complicated,
but orchids are very sensitive. – Oh, me too. You know, I can’t stand the
texture of watermelon in my
mouth? It feels like a pancreas. – That’s… unusual. – Don’t ask me how I know. – Also, I take her to the park
every day across the street
for some sun, maybe an hour. I talk to her. I know this sounds crazy, but plants thrive
on human interaction. She’s a great listener. We talk every day. Maybe I shouldn’t leave. – Oh, she’ll be okay!
Hey, I got this. Look, I have plenty I can talk
to her about. In fact, I can read to her
from a novel
I’ve been working on. – What’s it about? – It’s… good, clean fun. Beekeeping. – Oh, that sounds great,
she’ll love that!
– Perfect. Get on out of here,
go on a vacation! Go.
– Thank you. – You know it’s just
cowboy sex, right? Cool. (Liza): And then, Helena says, “Ride me bareback
like you do that pony.” Is it too literal? It’s too literal, isn’t it? (Liza sighing)
I’ll never finish it
by my twenty-year. Probably just skip that too. I just don’t know
why everyone gets so nostalgic
about high school. It’s not all that. I mean,
you’d hate high school too, if you didn’t have any friends
and ate alone in the band room
every day. I did almost have a moment
when I auditioned for Rent. Yeah. That was good, too. But sometimes when I’m nervous,
I get gassy. Anyway, I farted on stage.
Opening night. It’s not funny, okay? People called me “The Ripper”
for the rest of the year. But one thing I did love
about high school was the food. You ever had a pizza boat?
Of course you haven’t. Pizza sauce, cheese,
all on a French roll. Ah! Tried making it at home,
it’s not the same. I don’t know what
they put in those things. It is hot in here, right? Shall we get our park on? Listen, don’t be insulted
if I don’t talk to you
out here, okay? No offense, it’s already weird enough
that we’re hanging out
in public. (coughing)
(Bradley): No, no, no, no, no. It’s, “Just another day,
had to pick up all the mayo.” (Frankie): It’s,
“Had to pick up all the mail”! Why would Chance
the Rapper pick up mayo? (Bradley): ‘Cause, like,
he has a sandwich. – It’s mail. – I’m pretty sure it’s mayo.
– Nah, dude. – Hey! Did Chance the Rapper
pick up mail or mayo? – Maybe it’s mail-o.
Like marshmaillow. – I think it’s pronounced
“marshmallow”. But, what do I know, I’m vegan? – That’s cool.
(Bradley): Eh, you want a hit? – Sure. …and then nine months later,
that lasagna had a baby. (laughing) – Lasagna! That’s hilarious. (school bell ringing)
– Oh… Lunch. Hey, you coming? – Alright. Where are we eating? (laughing)
– You’re killing me. (suspenseful music) – I, uh…
– It’s pizza boat day! – Did you say pizza boats?
– Yeah, girl. – Knock knock.
Who’s there? It’s me. (laughing and snorting) Oh, weed… You okay? (Alyssa): Oh yeah,
I’m just, um… having lunch. (Liza): Yeah… Cafeteria blows, right? Cliques, power-tables. It’s nice in here, though, huh? Check out that tuba. Tubas can never judge you. So stupid looking.
(Liza laughing) Tubas…
– Are you high? – No. Yeah… No? – Don’t worry, I’m not a narc. Wait… Are you a narc? – Does it look like… I look
a lot cooler than a narc would. – No, no, no,
you look totally cool. – Thanks. – Way too cool
to be sitting here with me. That’s why I was confused.
I’m Alyssa. – I’m Liza. Hey, just so you know, it’s not
always going to be like this. – How would you know? – I was once like you when
I was in… my old school, yeah. I didn’t really have friends, I ate lunch alone. People called me “The Ripper”
for farting both loudly
and publicly. (Alyssa): Yikes. I am so sorry. I won’t tell anyone. Mostly because I don’t have
any friends to tell. – I appreciate that. But it’ll get better.
Take it from The Ripper. (school bell ringing)
Here, come on. – Oh! Don’t forget
your pizza boats! – Ooh, okay, see,
now you have a friend forever. What?! They’re doing Rent? Dude, that’s such a good show. You should totally audition,
it’s a great way
to make friends. – A musical? Like singing
in front of people?
– Yeah. – Oh, no. No way.
– What? No, you totally could. Hey, what if I come back later
and go with you, for support? First rule about singing,
never eat dairy. Or beans. (Liza): Lion face, ha!
Lemon face, ew. (Oliver): Yes, you have to do
taxes every year. – Lion face, ha-ha! Lemon face.
Lion face… – I don’t want to know. – Guys…
Guess who got a do-over? – You look exactly the same.
– That’s a makeover. – Oh… Then, I don’t care. – Is it you? – It’s me! I got cast in Rent! (Oliver): Oh, my God! I didn’t even know you were
auditioning, that’s impressive! The LA regional theater scene
is nothing to sneeze at.
What is the theater? I’ll have my real estate agency
buy an ad in the program. – Mary Richards High.
– Come again? – Mary Richards High School. Look, it happened really fast,
I got high, went in for a pizza boat,
made a friend;
next thing you know, I’m the lead in the school
musical. Could have
happened to anyone. – So, you go to high school now?
– No I don’t… go to high school,
I’m just in the school play. Oh, like you would have turned
down the lead. You’re all just jealous, okay?! Look, I have lines to learn,
and your negativity is
really impacting my process. (Harlow): Okay… – Look, I know it’s weird, okay? I shouldn’t care so much,
but I do! I mean, when those kids asked
me to have lunch, it was like… It was like that part
in my book that I read, where Helena and Jeremy
were in the stables together
for the first time. Not the part with the butt
stuff, the part with the lasso. Look, I just want to be a part
of something that I’ve never
had before, you know? Is that so wrong? It’s definitely more right
than butt stuff. Hey! What are you doing
out here? – Oh, my God, Liza. Isn’t it so
cool we’re the first ones here? – What? – Cole Sprouse is coming.
The actor? A bunch of kids told me
he was coming, so I’ve been out here since
like 5 a.m. I’m sure he’s gonna be here,
like, any second. Could you hold my sign
while I run to the 7-11 and pee,
so I don’t miss him? – Alyssa, you know… I think whoever told you this
was playing some sort of trick
on you. – Are you sure? – I’m not totally sure, but…
it doesn’t really add up. – Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean, why would he come
to our school,
it’s a total dump? Hey, congrats on getting Mimi. – Thanks. Hey, you had
a really great audition too,
I was really proud of you. – Yeah. Wasn’t that bad.
And I mean, handing out programs is
an important job too. You don’t know who anybody
is without a program.
(Liza): True. – Also, where else
would you put your gum? – True. Hey, you’re gonna hand
out programs, like programs have
never been handed out before. I bet you can even get a trophy
for that. No, I’m just kidding,
you can’t. Although, I could get one
for Mimi. Or not. Or maybe an agent. – Hey, uh, so what are you
doing this weekend? – Well, Ikea’s giving out free
meatballs if you buy a dresser,
so… gonna go buy a dresser. – Oh, well, I’m having my sweet
16. But you don’t have to come. It’s probably just going to be
my parents. And my cousins.
My aunt makes them come. – What? I would totally come.
I love parties. Wait, is there gonna be cake? – Yeah.
– Yeah, I’m coming. – I cannot believe one of those
popular girls in school’s
coming to my sweet 16! – Wait, me? Oh, no,
you think I’m popular? – Hey, Liza!
– Yo, whaddup B-Day! – It’s 420 somewhere!
– Hell yeah! They love beanies.
– Wow. Even the stoners know you, and
they can’t remember anybody. You are so cool! – Stop, please. – I should probably get to class
and pee. I’ll see you at lunch? – Yes, you will. (Becky): Liza! Hi! Do you want to sit with us at
lunch? We’re gonna run lines.
– Oh. Uh… Yeah. – So, have you ever done Rent
before? – No, no, literally never. (sighing)
– Did anyone else tank the test
in Sweitzer’s today? – Argh… Liza, who do you have? – Uh, I have… um… Corn… …bag. Dr. Cornbag. – Who’s Dr. Cornbag? I take
all the teacher’s pictures
for yearbook. – Hey, you guys see this move
I’ve been working on for Mimi?
Check it out. (clearing throat) – So Martha Graham meets Fosse. – Oh, my God, sorry. – Hey. – Hi.
(Doug): I don’t know you. Are you new here?
– Uh, yeah, I’m a transfer. – Oh. Like from Europe? – That’s a foreign exchange
student. – Dope! Which country? – What?
(phone chiming) Oh, shit. I have to take this
pot to the park. – Damn, that’s bad ass.
We should hang out sometime. – I don’t think that’s
a good idea. Excuse me. – Liza just denied Doug. – Did Doug just get negged? Damn… That’s hot. (upbeat music) – It was just for fun,
I didn’t sit in
on a literature class today. – You have a visitor. – Yo.
– What are you doing here? – Your parents are like
really young. – They’re not my… You really
shouldn’t be here, really.
– Okay. – No.
– Okay. – Excuse me. – Okay. – You guys have to get him
out of here. – I feel like you’re committing
a lot of crimes right now. – It’s not like
I invited him here! – You should definitely use that
in your Dateline piece. – Liza, you have to stop
going to high school. – It’s complicated, okay?
Who would play Mimi? – There is a 16-year-old boy
in your room! – And you just bought
a rolling backpack. – You guys act like
you know everything! Just let me live my life! – I don’t know where we went
wrong with her.
– She’s impossible. – Parents, right? – Totally. You know,
they’re super mad, and said they’re gonna ground
me unless you leave, so… – Oh, yeah, well… I don’t want to be any trouble
or anything, so I’m just gonna… yeah. – Thanks. You know,
I really appreciate– Oh, my God! No, no! – So fast! You should try out
for the track team. – Maybe in the spring. (cheering) – I heard Doug came over
Thursday, and you straight up
curved his ass. – What?
– Oh come on, admit it! – No seriously, I have no idea
what that means. – God, I would give anything
to bang Doug, anything! – Okay, you should go do that.
Hey, but use a condom! (girl): Liza! Liza, Liza!
– Yo, whaddup?! – Who cuts your hair?
– Oh, I do. With safety scissors. – All Liza everything!
(cheering) – Hey, Alyssa. – Oh, hey. Why didn’t you come to lunch
in the band room yesterday? – Oh, man. I’m sorry,
I got pulled away. – Oh, no, that’s okay.
You can come today. I brought cottage cheese! – What, Doug,
what are you doing? – God, I missed you so much.
– What? No!
(Doug): Babe! These games you’re playing,
they’re driving me crazy! – These aren’t games!
I literally don’t wanna
kiss you! Listen, I should probably
tell you something. – I should probably tell you
– No, seriously, it’s important! – More important than getting
nominated for Homecoming Queen? Yeah, that’s right. I got you
nominated for Homecoming Queen! – Really? Me?
– Yeah. Shannon’s the head
of the nominating committee. She gave me HPV,
so I told her, if she doesn’t
want anyone to find out, then she’ll endorse you,
and nobody else. So basically,
you’re gonna get it. (chuckling)
Homecoming Queen, not HPV. – So many feelings.
– I know. – Relief. – King and Queen
of the school, Doug and Liza. Dougza! Loug!
– No. – Wait, you’re right. D-Lug
sounds way more bad ass. – That actually got worse.
– D-Lug! D-Lug! – Why are you yelling?
– We’re D-Lug, come on. – I’m good.
– Up top.
– No. – No?
– I’m gonna go to class.
– Okay. – Oh no, you guys. My dad. His surgery! It went great, and now
he’s not gonna be staying
at the hospital this weekend. Now I can’t have the party
at my house. Ugh, he’s the worst! (Doug): Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we just have
the party at Liza’s place? Her parents are super chill,
and they’re like… 40. – 40?!
(Doug): Yeah. – Dude, they’re the same age
as… my parents. Look, and they’re not super
chill, okay, they hate parties. – Doug said you were cool.
I endorsed you. – I heard Liza has HPV.
– That’s not me! – I heard that too.
– You do? (indistinct chattering)
– Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I, uh… I know a place
we can have the party. I have keys…
to a house next door. – I knew you were cool. (Doug): Liza, Liza! (chanting “Liza”) – Me! Me! Me! (chanting “party”) – I’m totally gonna give
that girl HPV. (Liza): Wait! Alyssa! Slow down.
Hey! Are you okay? Did that
lukewarm cottage cheese
make you feel sick? – No. I heard you with them,
did you forget? My sweet 16 is the same night. You’re having a party with
Shannon the same night as mine? – Well, can’t you just
move your party? – You want me
to move my birthday? – Oh, my God, you don’t get it.
Look, your party’s small, okay? Look, all those people,
homecoming… I mean… Can’t you just move your party
to another time?
– You’ve changed. (Harlow): Honey? Are you okay? – You didn’t touch your dinner. – I’m fine. – Oh, maybe
she has the “girl flu”. Aunt Ruby’s visiting? She’s a guest
at the red wedding? The Russians invaded? Oh, my God! Leak week. – I’m not on my period.
(sighing) – I did something terrible.
– Pedophilia? – You bought those overalls? – You wasted our state tax
dollars by stealing an education
allocated for an actual child? Doing Bark Paul’s taxes
has given me a whole other
area of expertise. – Oh, sweetie. (Liza): No! I let a friend down. All because I wanted
to be popular. – Ooh…
– I’m such a dick. – Also, a pedophile.
(Liza): But I know
what I need to do. – I hope it doesn’t involve
having sex with a child.
– Oh, me too. – Okay, seriously?! – Hey, Liza! I heard about
the party, let’s smoke a bowl! (Becky): Liza! So excited about
your party. Wanna run lines? – Liza, Liza, can you give us
a statement about your party? Is it true that Cole Sprouse
will be there? (Shannon): Liza, come sit!
We have to plan the party. (loud indistinct chattering) – Stop! I can’t sit with any of you,
okay? Because I don’t go to school
here. (gasping) I’m an adult. Not like size wise,
but like, chronologically. I have an apartment.
I have a job. I have a car. I’ve been lying to you guys. I’m 23 years old. (disappointed chattering) – What about Dr. Cornbag? – That was just a stupid,
made-up name. – Tell that to my parents. – Wait, if you’re 23 that
means… you can get us beer! – Beer? Beer, beer! (chanting “beer”)
(Liza): Stop! I’m not gonna get you guys beer! (disappointed chattering) – Doug said you were cool. – No, don’t you get it?
I’m not cool! – But you sell pot.
– What? – You said you had to take
the pot to the park. – That was, no…
– Can you get us pot? – No!
– But we can still have
the party at your house, right? – No!
– Can we still hook up? – Ugh! Alright. I didn’t think
I was gonna have to do this, but if The Ripper took me down
once, she’s gonna have
to take me down again. Alyssa! (sentimental music) (stomach grumbling) Damn it, how come when you want
one to come, it never does? – Liza? No! (passing gas) (crowd chattering in disgust) Oh God! It’s the pizza boats! It’s lactose! – Ew! Why the hell
did you do that? (Liza): Who did what, now? Oh. There’s nothing to see here. The most important thing is… You know, Mahatma Gandhi
once said… I have more important things
to do, so I’m just gonna go ahead
and go. But know this. None of what matters in here
is gonna matter out there. Okay, if you have a hundred
friends, or if you sit alone
at lunch every day. Take it from someone who got
out, and is living a great life. Look, what matters most, is
the kind of person you are. If you’re kind, if you care, if you have enough courage
to go out there and follow your dreams,
whatever they may be! There is so much more good stuff
coming, just trust me. Also, don’t post anything
online that you wouldn’t want
there forever, okay? Colleges look at that stuff. Oh, and if a stranger
in Thailand hands you a bag and says,
“Hey, can you hold this
for a sec?” do not hold it for a sec. Okay, that’s it.
(Shannon): Oh, great. Now where are we gonna have
the party? – Um… We could have it at my house. (cheering) – Alyssa, Alyssa! (chanting “Alyssa”) – If loving you is wrong…
I don’t want to be right. (upbeat music) (music stops) Aw, (bleep). Five-second rule. – Come on, Liza, don’t you want
to see all your old friends? All the boys you dated? All the people who voted for you
for Homecoming Queen? – You do that,
I’ll shit my pants. – King and Queen of the school.
(bells chiming) I can hear the bells now. Oh, my gosh. – People started calling me
Dr. Ripple. Everybody started calling me…
Mr. Ripples. Okay, people called me Mr. Rip,
damn it! – She gets that temper
from you. (laughing)