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David Koechner Poops on a Cop Car – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

David Koechner Poops on a Cop Car – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

– I’m mad drunk, right? And one member of the cast suggests that I go take a shit on the cop car. (dub step music) – Welcome to This is
Not Happening presents: World of Blunder. If you’ve never been this show before, this is a bunch of comics
telling fun stories about real shit that happened. Give it up for a very funny man, Mr. David Koechner everybody! (audience applauding) – Hi. Yeah. This is eight years ago,
this is my travel story. I travel to Louisiana to
make money for my family. I have five kids now,
we have five kids now, at the time we had two. Go down there. I knew some of the cast
members, it was a fun thing, not too long, alright? Get down there day before
the principal shooting for photography, I’m not gonna
tell you what film it is, I’m gonna change names as we go through (audience laughing) ’cause I’d like to keep working. (audience laughing) So get down there and my friend MC, he and I are staying at the same hotel, and right out the hotel
about, I don’t know, four blocks across a parking lot are a couple of restaurants. So we have a couple, three, four beers, gonna call it a night. Alright. It’s like 8:30 Louisiana time. Heading back and we run
into some more of the cast heading into another establishment near the first establishment. They said come with us, like ahhh okay! (audience laughing) We go in there, now these
kids are younger than I am and they’re having car bombs, right? So that’s an ale of some kind and then you drop a shot in it. I have three or four of those. (audience laughing) They go down easy. I’ve been doing it a long time. (audience laughing) I’m better at this than anybody you know. (audience laughing and cheering) It’s not a joke, that’s
a tale my liver tells. So at this point, it’s
nine o’clock Louisiana time which means it’s seven o’clock LA time, so I’m gonna go outside, call
home and tuck my kids in. I’m a good dad, thank you. Aw. So I’m out there, I’m speaking to my wife, talking to the kids, like I
said we had two at the time, fine, fine. Now I just had, I don’t
know how many beers and I had not gone to the
bathroom, so I kind of, there’s a parking lot
here and I go to this other abandoned parking lot area where there’s a few bushes
and I start relieving myself. So I’m getting near the end of my relief and I see a car pulls
up, and I’m like really? Here? There’s plenty of spots
closer to the restaurant why is this dick parking here,
oh he wants to watch this? Okay, so I shake it off and zip it up, still on the phone with my wife, and out steps two police officers. Oh, well, hello guys. “Why don’t you come here a minute.” Alright. He writes me a ticket for public urination as he should, I’m fine with that, great. Drunk, alright hey, you know
what, shouldn’t have done it. (audience laughing) But then he tells me I have a court date, and I’m like, huh? Can’t I just pay it? “No, you gotta appear.” You know what, I don’t live here. “I don’t care you have to appear.” (groans) Guy, guy, look I’m sorry but I don’t live here and I’m not gonna fly back
in two months to do this. “I don’t care you gotta pay
it,” and I’m like (groans). Now, I’m mad drunk, right? So I go inside and there’s
this table of about 20 people from the cast and crew having more drinks or
whatever and I’m pretty upset and I’m telling my friends about it. One member of the cast suggests that I go take a shit on the cop car. (audience laughing) To him that seems appropriate revenge, let’s balance this thing out
here, you gotta come back. Well, clearly he deserves
a turd on his car. (audience laughing) I kinda think about it. I head outside and my buddy MC follows me out ’cause he’d seen
what was goin’ on in my eye and he goes, “Koechner you
get your fuckin’ ass home!” I comply. Yes sir, you’re right,
I’m gonna go to the hotel, short walk, short stumble over. So I’m there, and a couple
hours later I’m in my hotel room and the door opens, someone
is letting themselves into my hotel room and
I’m like what the hell? People are coming into
my room, I’m like what the hell’s goin’ on, and I’m
hung over at this point, right? It’s two o’clock in the morning and I see four police officers enter
the room, and I’m like what, what’s going on? I’m thinkin ‘ fuck, man. (laughs) You guys take this peeing
in public really serious! They go, “Alright we’re
gonna go down town.” I’m like, why you wrote me
a ticket, what’s goin’ on? “You know.” I’m like, I don’t know. So they handcuff me and then
they throw a t-shirt over me. I get into the police car with the gentleman that wrote me
the ticket, and I’m like, what is going on guys? And he’s like, uh-huh. (audience snickers) And so I see these cop cars, the other three take off
this way, we take off another way and then we’re kinda
like on a county road, not the regular road, and I’m like dude what’s goin’ on? What’s goin’ on, I’m sorry
I shouldn’t have pissed in the parking lot, but
you gave me the ticket, I don’t know what’s goin’ on. “Oh, is that all you did?” I’m like yeah, what’s goin’ on? “You know.” But I’m honestly was just flabbergasted, like what in god’s name has
happened and been pinned on me so I get there, to the station, thank god. (audience laughing) Yeah, it’s not safe in
the back of a cop car. So they put me in an
interrogation room and some guy comes in and is like, “What do you gotta say for yourself?” I’m like, I don’t know, I got a ticket, is this a joke, is this a prank? Is this some kinda prank thing, ’cause I have to work
in the morning, early. And this is not funny, “Uh-huh. “Alright, well we heard
something ’bout something “went on after you left
the bar, is that right?” I’m like, I don’t know, I
left the bar, I went home. “Oh did ya? “We’ve heard otherwise.” I’m like, what the fuck? So then that happens,
they send another guy in and then they send a young guy in. “I know you, I like your movies.” (audience laughing) He tries to warm up to me, right? He’s super good-cop who I’m
gonna confess whatever to, and they got me handcuffed
to a fucking pipe, right? And I’m like, what is going on here? He goes, “You really don’t know, huh? “You really don’t know?” I said I don’t know! Please someone explain why the fuck you drug me out of my hotel room and put me to the fuckin’ station at two o’clock in the morning. Then they open the door
to the interrogation room, and they open the door to an office on the other side where the
police officers are gathered around the phone, put it on speaker, they
got the waitress from the establishment on the phone. “Alright, go ahead and
tell us what you saw.” “Well, I don’t know if I saw anything, “but I heard about it.” And I see their faces drop a little bit, like, “Uh-oh, our case
is kinda unraveling.” (audience laughing) “Well, now tell us, you saw something?” “No no, they’s just talking
about it there at the table.” So here’s what had happened in my absence. The one gentleman who had insisted that I should probably shit on the cop car then was kind of wildly
exclaiming that I had done it. And then, apparently,
several people at the table went and started
looking at the cop car like this, you know, where did it happen, where did it happen? And then this waitress was a friend of the police officers and she went right to their table and said the guy you gave the
ticket to shit on your car. (handcuff noises) What’s goin’ on? So anyway, she didn’t
see anything, I’m like, guys I didn’t shit anywhere,
I didn’t shit in your cop car, nothing happened, alright? So they let me go, now the
lieutenant of the bunch, whoever the guy is, I
think he’s a lieutenant, drives me home and he
asks me a couple times, “Did you do it?” I’m like, if you’re asking
if I urinated in public, yes. Did I shit anywhere, no. “Okay.” So he walks me up to my room, he doesn’t just go, okay get out. We go up to my room and he’s
leaning in the door jamb here, and I’m like, fuck man, I gotta sleep, I gotta work in two hours now. And you know my trade, I
look good, that’s my thing. (audience laughing) Fatties gotta look good on camera. And he’s just chattin’
with me and I’m like fuck. “Would you submit to a DNA test?” I’m like, for fucking what? Will someone show me the shit on this car? I go yeah! He goes, “Okay.” He’s like, “Who’d you vote for?” (audience laughing) I’m like, fuck man. So, I’m an actor, so I
do a little bit of this, you know it doesn’t
matter who we voted for, ’cause we’re all Americans. Let me tell you another
thing, I would never do what you thought happened out there. I have a brother-in-law
that’s in the force and I have nothing but
respect for what you guys do day-in and day-out, and
I’m sorry this happened. He goes, “Alright, you go on.” I’m like, what the fuck, okay. (audience laughing) Next morning I had to
fucking get up at six there, blah blah blah, everyone’s like, oh! You mother fuckers. So I tell one of these
people, like what the fuck did you guys do after I left because I got fuckin’ hauled out of my
hotel room, taken down town, blah blah blah, and they’re like, what? (audience laughing) So now, this is the first
day of shooting, right? So who the fuck am I? I’m the asshole that shits in cars. (audience laughing) I know a lot of these people,
but most of them I don’t so I’m seeing this kind of stuff. And so as filming goes on, the principal actress in the movie never quite warmed up to me. We had a couple scenes together and I’m a nice guy, I don’t
mind talking to people, but this girl would only
give yes and no answers to my constant interrogation in an attempt to start a conversation. And I was like, oh well,
fuck it, I don’t give a shit. I’ll talk to anybody else, I’ll
talk to myself if I have to. Hey, how you doin’? Anyway, I have to hire a
local lawyer, go down there. He was able to move the trial up. So I appear, I think the
whole thing cost me $500 between him and the rest
of the business, I go home. Six months later, I get
a call from an actor buddy of mine who is now working with this principal
actress on another movie, and he says “Koechner, “what in the fuck did
you do in Louisiana?” (audience laughing) I didn’t do anything, what’d you hear? “Well, the way I heard
it, is you got a DWI “cops hauled you down to the station “and you’re in the back
and you shit your pants.” (audience laughing) Alright folks, thank you very much! (audience applauding)
(dub step music) – David Koechner everybody, David Koechner thank you very much for doing it, man. Don’t forget to check
him out in Anchorman 2. So, last week I asked
you guys to post stories of your father, something
in the comment section about something crazy your father did, and here’s one of the really
good ones that we saw. Next week, in honor of
David Koechner’s story, tell me something about the law, some trouble you got into with the cops. I know you have some good stories in this, I know I have degenerate fans, so post your best stories right down there in the comment section. Thank you guys for tuning
in, don’t forget to hashtag This is Not Happening on Twitter. Follow me on Twitter @arishaffir and leave comments and tell your friends about all of these videos
and spread the word, we’ll make even more of them.

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100 thoughts on “David Koechner Poops on a Cop Car – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. What do you know, he's as funny in his stand-up as he is in his movies and tv shows, which is to say not funny at all.

  2. Doubtful officer gave a lift back home. I've been refused asking for a jumpstart, from a group of many cops! I had my own cable's! Once got stuck in a blizzard 3 blocks from home. Cops offered: a ticket & towed away, or pay $150 for a tow truck to home.

  3. Do not get in legal trouble in Louisiana. My dad got a court date just because his TX driver's license didn't have the correct address.

  4. Dumb fucking bar server should shut her little pussy up next time dude the cops are like what u see and she says she heard them talking now the story was all fucked water downed about this dude .. good story telling crazy stuff man that whole situation was shitty lol

  5. This guy is hilarious, it’d be super cool to meet him since he’s in SO MANY t.v shows and a movies

  6. Woah Ari lol.. Am I the only one that's noticed that Ari can practically morph into a whole other better looking by a solid 3 1/3 points or like freakishly. Hipster extremely Homely Reporter from the 40s prototype. Good God I didn't even think it was the same person. Not quite Not to Hot but uncomfortably close. Holy Shit btw I'm a girl so no homo

  7. Is it just me, or would it be better to first check whether someone pooped on your car, rather than straight up arresting them? Also, how did they not notice the fact their car was clean when going to arrest him?

  8. I crapped on a woman’s windshield one night while blind drunk. Wiped off with a beach towel and tossed it in the bushes. True story. What was hilarious to me was when I heard she got in the car the next day and turned out on the wipers.

  9. These videos could be SO much better if you just cut out the stupid ass intros. Love watching them, but I've hated every intro you've ever done.

  10. He also once went out with his friend and they met twins and took them back to the motel, and he did both of them.

  11. I'd be sueing the fuck outta that PD. They broke the law multiple times in this trumped-up fake-ass investigation.

  12. Get ready to cringe – watch comedians’ most insane fails from This Is Not Happening here:

  13. I was pulled over with my friends once when I was a heroin addict. I had just done a shot so the spoon and needle were out and I threw them under the seat, without capping the needle. We had just got back into town from Mexico with an oz of tar and luckily my buddy was smart enough to hide it in the drivers door behind the panel. After being interrogated on the curb and after they found the needles and little bit of dope and after one of them almost poked himself with mine, I thought we were done for. But then right exactly as one of the cops was about to look in the door panel, a 3rd cop pulled up and walked over and somehow my girlfriend recognized him from high school and they started talking. He clearly had a crush on her. The other 2 cops just looked at one another and left outta nowhere. Just barely missed finding the full ounce of heroin. After my slut girlfriend and cop were done talking he uncuffed all 3 of us and told us we could go. He then told me my needles and spoon and little bit of dope were neatly laid on my seat. He then told us to do our drugs at home and to be careful. It was insane. I lost years of my life in 30 mins. Absolutely true. Edit: I’m clean now and have 3 years. Hooray for Obamacare.

  14. I don’t know I should write this. But each year we have a st Patricks day parade which turns into a pub crawl. And in the parking lot of state liquors they have a tailgate party with kegs. Well my girlfriend at the time, my best friend and I showed up late. The police were kicking everyone out. So the people with the keg were trying to unload the beer. So we pulled my girlfriends bronco up close and began placing dozens and dozens of full cups of beer every where we could balance them. Then proceed to park behind the building and attempt to pound all these beers. Needless to say we went from mild to belligerent idiots in an extremely short time. Now at this point we are way to intoxicated to enter any bars etc. so we begin to drive around. At some point I realize I have had enough and could t finish the one bottled beer I had in the vehicle and whip it out the window. That bottle proceeded to travel through another window. But not an open car window rather a massive store front window. (Now this part sounds horrible and doesn’t get better but when extremely drunk sounds rational) in that store front window was a display of concert quality bongos. The ones that are 5ft tall. My friend thinks this is a great opportunity to practice our mobile drumming skills. So we begin to drive around with two extremely expensive drums in the vehicle thinking life is grand. It was at this moment I realized that the human bladder is not capable of holding 35 beers and screamed to stop so I could run down an alley and piss. While pissing apparently a police car came and they took off. So a few minutes later I stumble out of this alley all grins expecting to continue our hilarious adventure. Please understand we are not seasoned criminals and had never broken a law prior.
    So I come out to find that they are gone!! I’m thinking oh shit!! I’m literally 15 miles from my house. No cell phone back then, it’s really late at night and I can barely stand. So after a few minutes of pondering my life choices and what I’m going to do. I reluctantly begin to walk in the general direction of my home. Meanwhile I’m thinking of all the variations my friend is performing on my girlfriend. Because these are the things you think drunk. After about a mile I see my girls truck parked on the side of the road. Still a fair distance away I proceed to walk towards it. Before I can get there a tow truck pulls up, hooks up, and off it goes! Again I’m like “shit” there goes my ride again. Now I haven’t put two and two together yet. But regardless I proceed walking. About 9 miles later feeling a bit more sober from my jaunt I cross into the next town. No longer am I in the city. Now I’m on rural back roads with no lighting. A car pulls up behind me as I angrily wave him to drive around. It’s a police car. Oh great I think. Thankfully he is a different town and hadn’t heard the previous incident but never the less it’s 3am and I’m stumbling down a road with no houses for miles. So he approaches. Now the best story I could come up with was a partial honesty. “Officer I was at the parade, I drank a lot, and felt it was safer to walk home.” So he says “well hell thats ridiculous to walk that far this late.” And takes me home in the front seat!!!
    So long story short the store wasn’t a store but a Christian music center! Oof! Both my friend and girlfriend were arrested but luckily recovered both items so the music center “being Christian” didn’t want to press charges and instead just wanted the window fixed which my friend and I gladly paid for. Well I mean I gave him the money to pay it. “Why admit at this point my involvement right?”
    So I guess the moral of the story is if you find yourself in a crime and have to piss. Wait for just the right moment to do so?? No I’m kidding. Don’t steal 5ft bongos from a Christian music center and proceed to have a mobile concert. That type of thing seems to stick in witnesses heads.

  15. Don't believe him. He is just trying to avoid trouble. After all we know for sure that he shit in Michael Scott's office.

  16. I love his acting way more than this standup. If someone could help him write a special that channeled that Todd Packard/Champ Kind persona he would be the new king of comedy hands down.

  17. You're telling me this didn't happen?

    "I'm all about having a good time. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off." -David Koechner

  18. Got in trouble being drunk and somewhere I shouldn't have been LOL used the Ricky lines from the Trailer Park Boys to get myself out of jail I asked the cop if he knew Jim what you replied yeah I know Jim and with a simple gym story I was able to get a drive home and not get in trouble

  19. "Who'd you vote for"?? I'm pretty sure that's illegal for cops to be asking you. But we all know cops are normally Trumpanzees, and they think nothing of discarding laws when they want to bully you.

  20. I friggin love the shit outta this guy! His wife is one amazing lady too. We follow each other on Instagram. Just great down to earth real people

  21. I wonder if that’s where they got the idea for that episode of the office, when Todd packer shits in michaels office?

  22. I've always wanted to shit on or in any law enforcement cars & office desk my mom said my brother puked in a cop car I'm like stop bragging for him better yet program pigeons to do it like jhon wick they can't prosecute them Lol

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